Got Twilight?
by Alias Shadows
Summary: This random Twilight Fanfic contains minor coarse language, sexual innuendo and scary deranged Mike Newtons... R&R if you dare...
1. Emmett gets a Puppy

**Disclaimer: **

**Edward****: No you can't have Twilight OR any of the characters; Twilight is SMeyers book-a-doo. Oh and one more thing, you don't own the dog treats either. *evil laugh***

**Alias Shadows: Aww please, I'll give you cookies. **

**Edward****: No.**

**AS: C'mon, Eddie. I'll pay you in sexual favours. *wiggles eyebrows***

**Edward****: *Takes some steps back* No.**

**AS:… Can I have Twilight now?**

**Dumby dumb dumb****: Yes.**

**AS: Really?**

**Dumby dumb dumb****: NOOOOO…. Hey what did you do to my name? *valley girl huff*Real mature.**

**AS: Ignore him; it's that time of the month. Anywoo…. here's the dealeo I know I have some an unfinished story but I was starting to get sick of writing dramas so this is officially my first parody; this is a random 200 word Fanfic set before BD. ONWARD!**

Chapter 1: Emmett gets a Puppy

Third Person POV

"Princess Pooch," Emmett eyed his Labrador puppy carefully pacing in front of her doggy bed. "Did you, or did you not, steal the doggy treats I bought you?" She quivered at the intimidating vampire. "Well? Did you? Answer me!"

Jasper swiftly jogged in and sat protectively beside the bed patting the puppy softly. "Geez, Emmett calm down, they're just dog treats."

"But I was saving them for a party." He grumbled.

"How do you know it was her? It could've been Jacob for all you know." Jasper smirked up at his brother.

A crunching noise and the nearby sound of a heartbeat came from the kitchen; Emmett looked at Jasper curiously jerking his head towards the door. The two brothers edged toward it quietly, making sure they didn't startle what was in there. Jasper gestured one, two, and three with his fingers throwing the door open ….

Bella stared wide eyed at her soon-to-be brothers in law as a crumb fell from her lips, and in the silence that drew on you could hear it fall.

Jasper gaped at her. "Bella? What? What on earth are you doing?"

"My dog treats?" Emmett dropped to the ground in a movie-like fashion.

**AN / No, I'm not a twi-hater I just thought this would be weird, I might add some more of these depending on the amount of hits I get sooooo… *Posh accent* reviews are like candy!**

**Happy Holidays everyone! / End of AN.**


	2. Oh Sh t

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight Edward would have never left, and there would be more sexual innuendo. **

**AN/Thanks for the reviews babes, I wasn't really expecting any feedback so you have officially made my day. Just so you know, most of these are set before BD, I'll say otherwise if they aren't. / End of AN**

Chapter 2: Oh Sh#t

Bella's POV

I stared at the blasted gumball machine threatening to kick it in my mind; I had already given it my dollar bill but no candy. I shuffled my weight to my left leg folding my arms. "It seems my-"I stiffened my mouth, "Friend that we have gotten ourselves into a pickle."

"A pickle, seriously?" Emmett laughed quietly. "More like a cucumber." The day at the mall had been fine well that was until I met Bubbly 'n' Chew.

I mused at Emmett. "I'll give you a dollar if you break the window on this thing."

"Not a chance, Bella."

Jasper chuckled loudly. "Just reach for it, I dare you."

Alice bit her lip. "Ahh, that's not a good idea-"

I reached through the chute and started searching for the gumball I had earned, I felt the sweets at the tips of my fingers, stretching my middle finger I flicked a gumball with a shaking arm; it fell right into my hand.

"Yes," I grinned in success. I began pulling my arm down when the chute started to seem tighter than it had been going up; I tugged my arm violently as a shocked expression ran across my face, "Oh sh#t!"

**AN/ I'm hoping this one was as good as the last, if not please give me some constructive criticism; I've been running out of ideas lately. Au revoir! / /End of AN**


	3. Lava Lamps and Vampire Boyfriends

**Disclaimer:**

**Alias: *giddy voice* Can I have Twilight? Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please. *puppy eyes***

**Jasper: *shakes head***

**Alias: *devastated*… Well if I can't have Twilight, could I at least have a missile-proof car, Mr Sparkle-pyre?**

**Jazz: *laughs* I believe you have a Fanfiction to write.**

**AN / The original title of this chappy is down there, the stupid thingy wouldn't let me add the rest of it! *cries on your shoulder leaving huge tear stains* You guys rock. / End of AN**

Chapter 3: Lava Lamps and Vampire boyfriends are not good bed fellows

Edward's POV

My Bella sat on the side of her bed gazing at the new Lava lamp I had gotten her for Christmas; she had been ogling at it for an hour now. I didn't see what was so extraordinary about it, it was just wax and I had something much better to stare at; Bella. I put my arms behind my head smiling at her absorbed expression.

She mumbled. "The wax is so… gorgeous, so spectacular, like the first day of spring. Or the bright smile on a child's face, or that dude off Pearl Harbour-"

"The one who lived?"

"No, no," She said waving her arm dismissively at me, "The one with the Uno Brow. If only I could…" Her tongue ran up the side of the lamp.

A flare of jealously blazed through me, I threw my arm across to her lamp and knocked it off the nightstand making it fall to the ground and drown in its own innards.

Bella turned to me with the flames of a thousand suns in her eyes. "You're dead to me,"

"Bella, don't be childish…" I scolded.

"I don't care, Edward, I makes you deader!" She grabbed a hold of my hair.

**AN/ I must apologize, I was high on Christmas chocolate, yeah you know what I mean we've ALL been there. I just wanted to do a Christmas related chapter y'know, t'was the season. The grammatical error from what Bella last said was purposely made BTW. Oh and no offence to the dude from Pearl Harbour, I needed to (again) do something weird. Well I'm sure if he had lived in Forks at the time (not likely) he would have liked Bella licking his face amongst other areas*Lets mind wander* … *clears throat* Ahh, bub-bye now. P.S Sorry for the mental images if you didn't like them just think of Edward and you'll be all good. P.P.S I'm going now, you can leave, no seriously GO. / End of AN**


	4. The thing that scares Edward

**Disclaimer: Disclaimer: **

**Alias: *Grabs hold of Jaspers leg wrapping her legs around it* I'll let go when you give me Twilight.**

**Jasper****: *shrugs* Hold on as long as you like, I'll never give you Twilight. *Makes unnecessarily humongous steps***

**AN/ Dear George Harvey from **_**The Lovely Bones**_**, your moustache is stupid, that is all. Sincerely yours, Deranged Twilight Fangirl. **

**I'll admit it I absolutely hate having to keep a minimum of 200 words so I'm just going to write as much as I want from now on (Sucks for you guys,) I don't even know why I made up that rule./ End of AN**

Chapter 4: The one thing that gives Edward Cullen the Heebee Jeebees

Amanda Mason's POV

I viewed my schedule for this morning and fell into my chair, three interviews; Myra Sanks, Edward Cullen, a special guest, and a new hair straightener to broadcast. I wasn't surprised that Edward Cullen was coming on my show, because of the whole outbreak of Vampire and werewolf based books and television shows, millions of vampires and werewolves all over the world were coming out and sharing their curse with the world. This would be great for my talk show we had been losing millions of viewers a week, I could remember when I would dream of being a talk show host when I was a teenager every day I would imagine interviewing hundreds of celebrities and sharing cosmetics around, good times.

My hair and makeup stylist; Genevieve stood behind my chair. She was gorgeous you could tell from a mile away, long brown locks, emerald green eyes, and an hourglass figure, I found myself comparing her to myself in my mirror, my curly hazel hair and brown eyes were nothing compared to hers. "Feeling the burn of show-biz, I see." She bit her lip sympathetically.

"Yes… Now make me beautiful," I closed my eyes straightening myself up.

Sitting in my hosting chair I gazed at the studio audience, my theme music came on and Myra walked out from back stage in a small slightly revealing blue dress with black heels. The interview went on quickly I had learned to block out the questions and answers but still keep on an interested expression. Soon enough Myra left and a handsome young Edward Cullen took his place beside me.

"Well hello there Edward." The crowd screamed loudly mostly women and young girls, some stood up showing off their 'I heart Edward' t-shirts or posters of him. But I could see some Team Jacob girls booing and giving him the bird.

_Hey, here's an idea if you hate him then don't come to see his interview._ I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.

Edward was as gorgeous as his author Bethenie Seyer had made him out to be. Glistening teeth, the bronze tousled hair, and occasionally I would get a glint of that famous smirk.

The first few questions were easily answered, how have you been? What is Bella like to be around? You could see the love in his eyes when he spoke of his vampiress; there would be a soft glow around the outside of them. A couple of questions from the audience and for the first time on my program a girl got dragged out by security for running across the stage to throw herself at Edward. But this one question, I had wanted to ask since he came out to the world as the first real vampire.

"So Edward Cullen, the Ultimate Sex God, fantasy of millions of Teenage Girls- and moms- all over the world, the dazzle in bedazzle. " I paused for suspense. "What is your number one fear?"

He laughed quietly. "Well, the only fear I have is losing my Bella."

"Oh that's amazing, is there anything else, clowns? Garlic maybe?" The crowd laughed.

"Not at all," He smirked.

"Oh okay then. Well I'm sorry girls but that's all from Edward for now. Can we bring in our next guest, please?" My theme music came from the background while Elmo and his puppeteer walked out from behind the stage.

A girlish scream came from beside me, Edward shrunk fleetingly into his chair crushing the armrests as his fingers dug into them, and I had never met anyone who screamed so loud.

**AN / I know the scenario of millions of vampires and werewolves all over the world coming out is VERY unrealistic but this is my Fanfic; don't agree; don't read. But wouldn't that be awesome? Well sort 'a considering all their victims and everything… Okay I'm done review, review my pigeons, review! / End of AN**


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